Dec. 28
From Larry C.

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day to wish me a Merry Christmas. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up to try and rekindle a little bit of that
 'old magic'.
 "Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."
 She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge.
 "Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days."
 She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute. Then she said it didn't matter in the slightest about my hair or my weight and that she'd even put on a few pounds herself.
 So I told her to fuck off.

Dec. 27
From: James D.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her hat her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks "what's wrong with a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

Dec. 22
From: George L.
Politically Correct 12 Days

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other, a consenting adult,
monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) * *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Dec. 21
"Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

"Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Man"
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Dec. 20
From: Vince S.

Barbie's Letter to Santa

To: CEO, Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
From: Barbie

Dear Mr. CEO:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my wish list: 
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? Okay, if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, contemporary persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr. CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA

From: Tara A.
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style.
I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career.
Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb!! 
Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken

Dec. 19
From Karen P.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts  rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry  honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Dec. 18
From Timmy C.
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat!"
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday

Nov. 4
From: Larry C.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1.You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-)
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4 You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2... You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4... The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

Oct. 24
From: Karen P.
An elderly an lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favorite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.................

Get Lost !!  she said, "they're for the funeral!!"

Sept. 28
From: Larry C.

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. 
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" 
"Stay! Stay!"  

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, 
"Why don't you just put it in park?" 

September 26
From: Karen P.

How To Shower Like a Woman: 
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. 
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passionfruit. 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 
Rinse conditioner off hair. 

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex. 
Get out of shower and stand on bathmat. 
Dry with towel the size of a small country. 
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

How To Shower Like a Man: 
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 
Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound. 
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. 
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. 
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. 
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. 
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. 
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. 
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat. 
Dry off forearms and butt only. 
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. 
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again. 
Throw wet towel on bed. 

September 18
From: Larry C.
Darren was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. 
Darren looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

August 19
From: Larry C.
A young man goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school. Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."  His father sends the money. 
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. 
When he gets home, his father is all excited...     "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me
 and asked: "Is your dad still cheating on your mother and messing around with that cute little redhead next door"?
The father says, "Son, I hope you SHOT that damn dog".
"I sure did, Dad! I sure did!"
"That's my boy!"

August 10
From: Larry C.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You  know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started  cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
 continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." 
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. 
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" 
"I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

August 2
A guy came down from the hills, fell asleep on the beach for several hours, and got a horrible sunburn.

He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister, and he was in agony.

The town doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

August 1
From: Larry C.
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

July 27
From Heather A.
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

July 12
From Neil D.
 The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section
 for listing father's details.   Or putting it  another way.....Who's your Daddy?

 These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as
 to the identity of the father of child B, but I  believe that he was conceived on the same night.

 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue here I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
 
 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
 
 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
 
 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.  Please advise.

 7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also born at the same time....well I don't have a clue.
 
 8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
 
 9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
 
 10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

June 16
From: Larry C.
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you?" look, and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.  "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky.  "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

June 15
from: Larry C.
Barbeque is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events occur:
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman "fixes" the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

June 3
from: Karen P.

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything

May 24:
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Darren, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing. He ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Darren had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Darren shouted angrily.
"Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough."

May 23
From: Darren S.
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. 
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. 
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. 
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, 
"Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

May 22
From: Heather A.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service in tears. 
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "Aye, that he did, Father..." 
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...’"

May 20
From Darren S.
 A cowboy was riding out in the west when he was captured by a group of banditos. They were going to kill him, but before they did they granted him three requests. For the first one he asked to speak to his horse. 
The horse ran off and returned with a woman on his back. 
The banditos gave the cowboy and the woman a tent for the night. 
For the next request, the cowboy again asked for his horse, and again the same thing happened. 
The last request was the same as the first two, with the cowboy asking for his horse, it running off, and returning with a woman. 
As the horse ran up, the cowboy yelled out loud: "You stupid thing, I asked for a POSSE!"

May 14
From: Larry C.
A furniture dealer from Arkansas decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....

May 11, 2005
From: John M.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, and are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f-----g blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

May 9, 2005
From: Larry C.

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

May 8
From: Vito C.
in honor of Mothers Day
 Yo Mama is so Fat... 
  When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
  When she dances she makes the band skip.
  When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
  She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
  Her ass has its own congressman.
  When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
  Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
  Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
  The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

  Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
  Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:
      "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
 Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. 
 Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. 
 Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. 
 Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall. 
 Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. 
 Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. 
 Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. 
 Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. 
 Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate. 
 Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it! 
 Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. 
 Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party. 
 Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. 
 Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. 
 Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. 
 Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is DAMN! 

December 15
From: Bridget H.

Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rearview mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a baseball/football/basketball/hockey game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts. "Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

"Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Man"
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

December 10
Chanukah Song Part III
by Adam Sandler

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah 
Once again it's On-akah
The miracle of Chanukah.

Chanukah is the festival of lights.
One day of presents?
Hell no, We get eight crazy nights.

But if you still feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
I guess my first two songs didn't do it for you
So here comes number three!

Ross and Phoebe from "Friends" say the Chanukah blessing.
So does Lenny's pal Squiggy and Will & Grace's Debra Messing.

Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon never mixed meat with dairy.
Maybe they should have called that show "Little Kosher House on the Prairie."

We got Jerry Lewis, Ben Stiller and Jack Black.
Tom Arnold converted to Judaism, but you guys can have him back!
(Just kidding Tommy!)

We may not get to kiss underneath the mistletoe
But we can do it all night long with Deuce Bigalow! (I'm jewish!)
Oh My God! Sweet Robbie Schneider is here!

Put on the yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
The guy in Willie Nelson's band who plays harmonica
Celebrates Chanukah.
Oooo, good job Schneider

Osama bin Laden--(Booo!)--not a big fan of the Jews.
Well, maybe that's because he lost a figure skating match
 to gold medallist Sarah Hughes, (her mama's Jewish!)

Houdini and David Blaine escaped straightjackets with such precision.
But the one thing they could not get out of
Their painful circumcision.

As for Half-Jewish actors, Sean Penn is quite the great one,
And Marlon Brando not a Jew at all,
But it looks to me like he ate one.

There's Lou Reed, Perry Ferrell, Beck and Paula Abdul.
Joey Ramone invented punk rock music
But first came Hebrew school.

Natalie Portman-ukah
It's time to celebrate Chanukah.
I hope I get an Abtronic-ah,
on this joyful, toyful Chanukah.

So get a high colon-icah
And soil your long john-ukahs
If you really really want-ukah.
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy
Happy Chan-u-kah!

December 9
Chanukah Song Part II
by Adam Sandler  

Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah
So much fun-aka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a Dreidle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real

Put on that yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Oscar winning Dustin Hoffman-aka
celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo

Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuana-ka
If you really really wanna-ka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!

December 8
Chanukah Song Part I
by Adam Sandler

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
So much fun-uka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is, the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So does James Concord Douglas and the late Dina Shora
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha NaNa and Arthur Fonzerelli.

Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half, too.
Put them together, what a fine looking Jew

You don't need deck the halls or Jingle Bell Rock
'Cuz you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock
Both Jewish!

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of Famer Rod Carew (he converted)

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish -
Not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is?
All three stooges

So many Jews are in show biz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope you get a harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonic-a
And smoke your marijuana-ca
If you really, really, wanna-ka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Chanukah

Happy Chanukah

December 7

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.

Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

October 31
Happy Halloween
From: Jeannie M.

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.....
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back,   and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...

faster...

faster...

BUMP...

BUMP....

BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,  rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.   However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man.... .   Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,  the man locks himself in. His heart is  pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .   With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.  Bumping and clapping towards him.    The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ...  his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup.  Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the apparition.

The coffin stops.

From: Margaret B.

TOP 10 HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT COULD BE DIRTY BUT AREN'T:

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

From: Noel C.
 A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave
to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he 
got it. He told them to "bug off" and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all 
the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "because I sure didn't!"

From: Karen K.

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?"

Happy Halloween
A farmer in the country has a pumpkin patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads "WARNING; ONE OF THESE PUMPKINS CONTAINS CYANIDE!
The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the pumpkins have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

October 12
From Lou P.
R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield 1921-2004

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey,  buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid.... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby.... My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly.... My father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

 I'm so ugly.... My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

 I remember the time that I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

 Once, when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 I'm so ugly.... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.       

With my old man, I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night, he went on the paper four times --three of those times I was reading it.     

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

October 7
R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield 1921-2004
From: Paul K.

"I went to a hooker, and she told me, 'Not on the first date.'"

"My wife does a lot of charity work. She handles all the policemen's balls."

"I went to a nude beach, and they told me it wasn't polite to point."

"At the nude beach I saw a 100-pound man with 50-pound testicles. He told me he was sick. I told him, 'You're not sick. You're half-nuts.'"

"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!"

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"They say, 'Love thy neighbor as thy self.' What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?"

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No. I hate myself now.'"

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."

"I went to see my doctor. I told him, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.""

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said, "All right, you're ugly too."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. 

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. 

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. 

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. 

Life is just a bowl of pits. 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. 

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 

I told my kid about the birds and the bee, then he told me about my wife and the butcher.

Sept. 30
From: Mike M.
When the doctors held their press conference after former President Clinton's quadruple bypass operation, they were asked over and over again when Clinton would be able to start campaigning for John Kerry. 
"When can he start campaigning?” "When can he start?”  
Finally, they turned to John Kerry and said, "Will you shut up?!”

Sept. 29
From: Jim M.
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here, "says the devil. You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely 
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Sep. 22
From: John M.
                                                           
  An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move.
 "Father?" asked the boy.         
 The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,  "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."                                                                
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful   24-year-old woman stepped out.                                                               
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother!"            

Sep. 20
From: Suzanne S.
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, he notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along  the wall.  The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of  teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite turned on by his sensitive side.  Would he be a sensitive lover she wonders?
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others  clothes off and make hot steamy love.  After an intense night of  passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and  asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Sep. 17
From: Peter M.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their bab